Unbearable
by Lady of Lostshadows
Summary: Jareth gets his, umm... rear stuck in a bear trap, and his adventures getting out.


Title: Unbearable

AN: There is no explanation for this. I was writing a far more serious fanfic, when this popped into my head. No Goblin Kings were harmed in the making of this fanfic.

This is my first Labyrinth fanfic, please let me know what you think.

Disclaimer: I don't own Labyrinth, or any of it's characters. And don't try this at home.

* * *

"This is the last one." Dob told his companions.

"We can see that. Just stand on the thing already." Smux grumbled.

"Alright, alright." Dob moved to stand on the release. The other two grabbed the sides of the bear trap and pulled. The jaws spread, and clicked into place. Zxads tossed a coating of leaves over the trap and the three stood back to admire their handiwork.

"That went faster than usual. Race you to the ale barrel." Smux started to move off, but found himself restrained by the other two.

"Let's wait 'til we get out of the forest." Zxads suggested. All three paused for a brief moment of silence for the last crew of goblins who'd attempted to use the bear traps.

The silence was broken by a loud snapping sound from the direction they'd come.

"We got one!" Dob yelled, and ran off to investigate. The other two followed, all somehow managing to miss the hidden traps. They plowed into Dob, who had come to a sudden stop in the middle of the path. They could all now make out a very familiar voice, swearing.

"Maybe we should pretend we didn't hear anything." Zxads said, visions of the bog of eternal stench running through his head.

"Maybe we're hearing it wrong." Smux said.

"Maybe if we let him out, he won't bog us." Dob said.

The three slowly made their way up the path until they were in sight of the first trap. They paused in surprise when they saw that he hadn't caught his leg as they'd expected.

"Why'd he sit on it?" Smux asked. Unfortunately, he asked it a bit too loudly, bringing the Goblin King's attention away from his predicament, and over to them.

"I assume you three are responsible for this thing being here." The three goblins nodded, amazed at the amount of dignity Jareth could maintain given his current position. "Would you care to explain?"

"You told us to do something about the Fireys that were getting to close to the castle, so we dug out the bear traps..." Dob trailed off as his sovereign glared at him.

"You are aware that they can remove their limbs." The three goblins nodded, and Jareth groaned. Why couldn't he be the king of the something competent. "Are you going to just stand there, or are you going to open it?"

The goblins quickly rushed forward, took one look at the trap, and backed off quickly.

"Well?"

"Um..., Your Majesty, you're in the way of the release." Smux explained quickly. "We'll go get help!" They rushed off before Jareth had a chance to stop them.

In the surrounding forest, he heard what sounded suspiciously like Fireys laughing.

* * *

Sarah eyed the goblins standing in her bedroom.

"You need help with what?" She asked.

"Freeing the Goblin King." Dob repeated.

"He's under some sort of enchantment?" They shook their heads. "Held prisoner by some being who wants to take over the Labyrinth?"

"Getting warmer." Smux said helpfully.

"You're going to have to be more specific." Sarah told them.

"He's stuck." Smux told her.

"In this world?"

"No, in the forest, in the Labyrinth." Zxads said.

"He can't remember how to get from there to the castle?"

After a quick, muttered conference, she was greeted by another round of head shaking. Sarah glared at them, and the goblins squirmed uncomfortably.

"He's caught in a bear trap." Dob supplied hastily.

"And you can't free his leg?" Sarah found herself somewhat alarmed. Not that she cared about him in the slightest, she firmly reminded herself.

"Not his leg, his..." Dob cut himself off.

"His butt." Zxads finished helpfully.

* * *

Meanwhile, Jareth had learned that he had underestimated his subjects. Trying to get himself into a standing position, he discovered that the little cretins had managed to firmly anchor the bear trap to the ground.

This attempt was met with a fresh chorus of laughter from the trees. He lobbed a few crystals in the direction of the sound. The Fireys were sent scurrying and for a brief moment he felt better.

He tried to get a good look at the trap he was sitting on, hoping to be able to get a clear enough view to aim properly, when he heard the sound of leaves crunching and a low voice grumbling. He looked up and found Hoggle almost on top of him, staring in disbelief. The tableau was broken when the dwarf regained his senses enough to double over laughing.

Hoggle quickly realized he had miscalculated when Jareth reached over and grabbed his shirt. He hadn't made sure he was out of reach. Looking into the very annoyed gaze of the Goblin King, Hoggle swallowed nervously.

"Hogwart," Jareth began.

"Hoggle." The eyes narrowed.

"I'm willing to overlook this transgression, if you open this thing."

"Your majesty..." Hoggle began gazing down at the bear trap.

"Swamp bait."

"Hoggle." He corrected automatically. Fortunately, for him, the trio of goblins chose this moment to reappear.

"We should have just waited for her to stop laughing." Smux told the other two.

"I don't think we could really leave him here that long." Dob pointed out.

"Waited for who to stop laughing?" The goblins jumped guiltily when they realized Jareth could hear them.

"Sarah, your Majesty." Zxads told him before the other two could stop him. Jareth groaned. He released Hoggle, who took the opportunity to make a break for it.

"We have another idea." Dob said helpfully, as they scurried back out of sight.

* * *

When he was firmly out of sight, Hoggle paused to catch his breath and consider his options. He was certain, despite their best efforts, the goblins would eventually get Jareth free. After that happened, he had no doubt that Jareth was unlikely to overlook what had just happened, and he would end up getting an extended tour of the bog of eternal stench, if he was lucky.

That meant, he needed to either free Jareth himself, or see if Sarah would be willing to put him up in the guest bedroom for the rest of his life.

Fortunately, he was smarter than the goblins, he thought as he continued along the path.

Now all he had to do was find him.

* * *

Two hours later, Jareth had lost count of the plans his subjects had come up with. Surrounding him were some of the remnants of the previous attempts: a crowbar, a container of shortening, a lacrosse stick, and a can opener; along with a couple of Firey limbs (they would be keeping their distance for a while) and a half-eaten ham sandwich (part of an aborted lunch break.)

He was seriously considering chucking a crystal in the vague direction of his arse, damn the possible consequences, when they returned, yet again. It took him a moment to figure out what the tank and other gear they were dragging behind them were.

"Absolutely not!" He didn't even want to know where they had found a welding torch, but he was not letting them anywhere near him with it.

The goblins looked disappointed. They also looked like they were about to argue with him about it.

Whatever they might have said, was cut off by the sound of heavy footsteps approaching.

"What now?" Jareth turned to look, keeping half an eye on the goblins. He was surprised to see the dwarf retuning, followed by Ludo.

"Your Majesty," Hoggle bowed slightly from a safe distance, "I think I've found a solution." He gestured Ludo forward.

The monster reached down, gripped the two sides of the bear trap, and pulled. There was a snapping sound and Jareth suddenly found himself free.

He rose with what little dignity he had left. As far as he could tell, there was no serious physical damage. Checking would have to wait.

Jareth turned to the dwarf and monster. "My thanks."

Hoggle blinked in surprise. "Your welcome." He said quickly, pulling Ludo along in a hasty retreat before Jareth started feeling more like his normal self.

Jareth's attention, however, was focused on the goblins. Their retreat was slowed by their refusal to abandon their nifty new toy. A crystal chucked in their direction knocked the goblins to the ground. They looked up in alarm to find Jareth glaring down at them.

"Yes, your Majesty?" Dob asked hoping it would be over quickly.

"First, you will remove all of the bear traps from the forest." The cowering goblins nodded quickly, and started to get up. "Then," the goblins came to halt as Jareth conjured another crystal, "you will take these." He handed toothbrushes to each of the goblins.

Smux eyed his nervously, before glancing back up at the Goblin King. He had a strong suspicion that the king was not suddenly concerned with their oral hygiene.

"What do you want us to do with them your Majesty?" he asked with trepidation.

"Scrub the bog."

The End


End file.
